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Letting go, grieving. Thoughts?


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When you love someone, you let them go. When they never return, they were never supposed to be apart of your life. How weird is it to grieve them as you would a d**th? I've never grieved a living person this way, & it's been 4 years. Am I feeling this wrong?

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31 minutes ago, brittniisundae said:

When they never return, they were never supposed to be apart of your life.

I get what you're saying here with the full context, but this statement alone doesn't fit well with people who leave the world, not just the individual. Also... there are lessons you are supposed to take from every experience... so you can be stronger, wiser & handle things in a way that doesn't hurt so much next time around... you know?

But you are kinda there... if someone is gone from your life, they're probably where they should be... a lot of things happen because if nothing happened, things just wouldn't fit.

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13 minutes ago, Onision said:

I get what you're saying here with the full context, but this statement alone doesn't fit well with people who leave the world, not just the individual. Also... there are lessons you are supposed to take from every experience... so you can be stronger, wiser & handle things in a way that doesn't hurt so much next time around... you know?

But you are kinda there... if someone is gone from your life, they're probably where they should be... a lot of things happen because if nothing happened, things just wouldn't fit.

That makes sense 😔. "They're probably where they should be". That just stings, but I understand. I just have to accept it. It's been such a "I see you everywhere but you're never here" experience. I don't believe many of us are fond of these lessons, and experiences. I just most likely need to focus on anything but that, and them. A goodbye would have helped, but no. A goodbye not even left. I suppose I wasn't worth that to them, but I have to believe that I'm still worthy of my future, and finally release.  ❤ Thank you for your words, I sincerely appreciate them.

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I’m only commenting because I’ve been MIA since the Patreon days. I’d had homelessness and whatnot to deal with and I’ve just returned after my husband died a few weeks ago. We were separated by he’s my sons father and had been sick for some years. Saw this topic and just thought I’d jump on and say ‘Bereavement. That’s something, hey?’ For me, it’s counselling a young person through it. Ghastly. 
Much love to anyone going through loss. I’m with you x 

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You're not wrong for feeling that way. Idk what your situation is, but I'm having a hard time letting go of my now ex-best friend. Apparently she doesn't care to be in my life anymore. I haven't seen or talked to her in 2 years and I'm still grieving. I just have to let go and move on, but the memories will always be there.

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5 hours ago, Mamacat said:

I’m only commenting because I’ve been MIA since the Patreon days. I’d had homelessness and whatnot to deal with and I’ve just returned after my husband died a few weeks ago. We were separated by he’s my sons father and had been sick for some years. Saw this topic and just thought I’d jump on and say ‘Bereavement. That’s something, hey?’ For me, it’s counselling a young person through it. Ghastly. 
Much love to anyone going through loss. I’m with you x 

Oh my goodness, dear. I am so very sorry to hear all of this. 😢 I'm so, so sorry. All my hugs. ❤  I've always had an issue grieving the loss of those I've loved. Like the constant ODs I've found my family, and friends in. Actually seeing them at their funerals, they never looked at peace. And those that died naturally, always different. But those were a little better to let go, though it still wasn't easy and recently it's still not. It's always like "I can still hear their voice", or once in awhile I'll have a dream about them. After it happens I go into a state of "Oh, they're just far away or on vacation right now". 

I know actual d**th can be different. But even when my parents divorced I questioned what my mother said how it feels like my father is d**d. When I'd hear her cry at night, I'd cry to myself. Losing someone alive, and knowing it was love, took a blow to me, and I've finished relationships in the past, yes it took awhile to get over the heart break, this one, I feel like for some reason it's so hard to shake. But I suppose some factors are that I've never had closure, I'll never speak to them again, and with my past relationships, we make casual conversations. Lost a love, but gained a friend or for one I'll call just an acquaintance level. 

This one is gone, completely, and maybe one day soon I'll wake up and not feel this anymore, be haunted this way. 

Thank you so much for your response & sharing. My heart goes out to you and your son. ❤ x

1 hour ago, Kaitlind said:

You're not wrong for feeling that way. Idk what your situation is, but I'm having a hard time letting go of my now ex-best friend. Apparently she doesn't care to be in my life anymore. I haven't seen or talked to her in 2 years and I'm still grieving. I just have to let go and move on, but the memories will always be there.

I'm very sorry Kaitlind 😔 that does sound rough. To me friends, are part of my family. Sometimes even a stronger bond. I don't know where I'd be without my own best friend, she's seen the side noone else sees, and she comforts me...she shares everything with me and makes me feel more complete. I look up to her in so many ways.  it's hard to imagine that loss, I feel for you. ❤ can we just hold onto the good memories? That's all I really want to do, but at the same time I just want to forget.

My situation is like...we were never official, and i liked that about us, but we had strong feelings, and a really deep connection. It was better than any official relationship I've had. Then they left me. With no goodbye or reason. I was to the point of begging, like what did I do? What can I fix? but all they did was leave me some songs for a response, and close me out. Maybe it is lack of closure and I'll have to find that on my own. But every time...i just see what I believe is their car, or the person infront of me in a line...I'll go into this state of taking their old hoodie, and holding it while I sleep. And it's not healthy, I know. 

Thank you for sharing. I'm so very sorry. ❤ I hope to do as you are, and move on. Much love, & hugs to you, dear.

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39 minutes ago, brittniisundae said:

Oh my goodness, dear. I am so very sorry to hear all of this. 😢 I'm so, so sorry. All my hugs. ❤  I've always had an issue grieving the loss of those I've loved. Like the constant ODs I've found my family, and friends in. Actually seeing them at their funerals, they never looked at peace. And those that died naturally, always different. But those were a little better to let go, though it still wasn't easy and recently it's still not. It's always like "I can still hear their voice", or once in awhile I'll have a dream about them. After it happens I go into a state of "Oh, they're just far away or on vacation right now". 

I know actual d**th can be different. But even when my parents divorced I questioned what my mother said how it feels like my father is d**d. When I'd hear her cry at night, I'd cry to myself. Losing someone alive, and knowing it was love, took a blow to me, and I've finished relationships in the past, yes it took awhile to get over the heart break, this one, I feel like for some reason it's so hard to shake. But I suppose some factors are that I've never had closure, I'll never speak to them again, and with my past relationships, we make casual conversations. Lost a love, but gained a friend or for one I'll call just an acquaintance level. 

This one is gone, completely, and maybe one day soon I'll wake up and not feel this anymore, be haunted this way. 

Thank you so much for your response & sharing. My heart goes out to you and your son. ❤ x

I'm very sorry Kaitlind 😔 that does sound rough. To me friends, are part of my family. Sometimes even a stronger bond. I don't know where I'd be without my own best friend, she's seen the side noone else sees, and she comforts me...she shares everything with me and makes me feel more complete. I look up to her in so many ways.  it's hard to imagine that loss, I feel for you. ❤ can we just hold onto the good memories? That's all I really want to do, but at the same time I just want to forget.

My situation is like...we were never official, and i liked that about us, but we had strong feelings, and a really deep connection. It was better than any official relationship I've had. Then they left me. With no goodbye or reason. I was to the point of begging, like what did I do? What can I fix? but all they did was leave me some songs for a response, and close me out. Maybe it is lack of closure and I'll have to find that on my own. But every time...i just see what I believe is their car, or the person infront of me in a line...I'll go into this state of taking their old hoodie, and holding it while I sleep. And it's not healthy, I know. 

Thank you for sharing. I'm so very sorry. ❤ I hope to do as you are, and move on. Much love, & hugs to you, dear.

I'm so sorry about your situation too. Some people just have their own personal issues and it really doesn't have anything to do with us, just themselves. I'm ok though. I just miss the way things used to be.

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On 6/8/2021 at 1:27 AM, brittniisundae said:

When you love someone, you let them go. When they never return, they were never supposed to be apart of your life. How weird is it to grieve them as you would a d**th? I've never grieved a living person this way, & it's been 4 years. Am I feeling this wrong?

It's okay to grieve just to don't pack your bags and stay there. You aren't doing anything wrong and it's okay to grieve something or someone you've loved just don't forget to give yourself permission to move on.  After my first divorce I was devastated for about 5 years and when  I allowed myself to let go and love again it opened my life up to the love of my life and now partner of almost a decade. My first love and loss made me a better partner for this experience. Grieve but don't forget to grow. 

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Love is wanting what is best for another even if that doesn’t involve you. Grieving is really healthy and necessary for complete healing. Speaking to myself on that one, I usually skip that step and just move along. It’s sulking that is something to watch out for. Person doesn’t have to pass to grieve, it could be grieving about memories, failure, the could’ve beens. Some people are around for a lesson or for a life time but all where there for a reason. 💜 

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I wrote this in another thread, but I still think it applies:

 

This is a topic I know all too well about. Grieving, at least - the story of the death of my mother - 

My mother had alcoholic-cirrhosis of the liver and her liver was practically dead so she was eligible to be put to the top of the list to get a transplant. We had a post-operative plan in place, and I was her primary caretaker and health contact

She wasn’t supposed to di'e. 

The disgusting hospital she was transferred to (apparently has the best liver team in NJ) gave her an infection from the food they fed her. 

Since no liver function, your kidneys go. 
She would be on dialysis for 72 hours at a time and it was not ridding the infection. 

She was in the ICU for a month before passing. 

She ended up bleeding internally overnight and I received a phone call asking if I should intubate her or let her pass peacefully. I was only 23 years old and knew nothing of this. I couldn’t believe there was nothing more they could do - I had to make the decision because she had no living will and I was the only one she listed to make decisions like that on her behalf. 

I went to the hospital right away and they told me she most likely would not survive the intubation and they recommend letting her pass in peace. I was frantic, I couldn’t believe they couldn’t do more. I was her everything. And she was mine. 

It hurt the most when the cirrhosis took over her brain function (similar to dementia) and she would only speak French to me or consider me a nurse, not her daughter Bonnie. 

It took about 9 hours after they pulled the plugs for her to pass peacefully with her in my arms. 

 

The next round of grief I had to deal with was my ex-fiancé. We dated for four years, we lived in two apartments together, and he was the first person I moved out with so essentially I felt that I grew up with him. I thought he was my soulmate. We had a 'rule' that we would never go to bars without each other. We had a t*rrible fight the night before where he made me feel really small and was extremely insulting. I went out with my coworkers after work (I work with all men) and when I got home to our apartment there was a suitcase at the door. 

He immediately told me that I had to leave the apartment and that we were over. We were supposed to be getting married.

We stayed civil, and the best of friends for the remaining 10 months after we broke up. He was my go-to for advice when it came to new people, but it always bothered me that no matter how much I begged, no matter how much I promised things would change, I even offered to leave the job that I love so much. He never gave in. He never even admitted to me that he missed me. He never said anything after we broke up- almost like he was over it so quickly. It broke me. 

I TRIED to date other people, see other people, but they weren't Alex. And they never would be in my mind. 

I was seeing our relationship as the truest and most healthy one I've ever had, but I was neglecting to see all the red flags as well.

Yes, losing someone you love (not by death) is THE EXACT SAME THING. And I have lost two very important people to both. 

I still grieve the relationship and love I had with Alex, I still wonder what he does per day, I still wonder if he is talking to another girl, I still wonder. 

Sure, I try and distract myself with self-love or even making new friends and acquaintances but. I can't stop comparing.

 

Now, how to deal with this? 

Find a support group, a confidant, someone you can vent to without any judgement or comments like ‘get over it already, it’s been x amount of time’, or ‘don’t worry, we all go someday. it was their time’. 

Actually, no it wasn’t. 

The only thing that helps me is when I am in conversation with anybody, I speak about my mother daily almost as if she is alive. It makes people feel more comfortable bringing her up to me. And it makes them feel less awkward. Talk about them. Don’t erase them. Become their legacy, keep their name ALIVE. 

As for grief, it will always remain. But it does get easier to cope. If I even read about my mom or go on her Facebook I cry. It’s okay. Don’t let others make you believe you should be over it.

If you need anything, I am here. 

 

Especially you, @brittniisundae 💘

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1 hour ago, ZombiesAteCharley said:

It's only been 5 months since my boyfriend d ied and I feel like people think I should be over it already. I am trying my best but some people tell me to 'stop living in the past', it's like they don't understand that my whole future has changed now too. 

Message me ❤️🩹

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