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Is It Better To Forgive and Forget?


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I think we've all been in those situation, wether not it's a friend, partner og family. People are different, hence why we react and choose different things in life (in general) 

Sometimes we have to forgive and forget - and here's the questions.
1. When was the last time you had to forgive and forget something? What happened and how did you choose to do it?
2. Do you regret doing x /not doing x?
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I regret events I've never walked away from, but also I feel like I've mostly moved past a lot of it. I mean I can't turn back the clock...so there's no point.. I give myself time to grieve and focus on myself. Going for jogs, getting lost in my writing, whatever it takes.. Whether it takes a decade or not..always forgive, but I don't forget. All of my exs and past friends (and some family) know this. They know I forgive them, because I've asked to be forgiven too. They also know it's not a clean slate. I won't be coming back like how it used to be. I don't forget because I keep my eyes and heart peeled for repeated behavior patterns that weren't healthy for me, and it wasn't healthy for them either. That repetitive nature and vibe I want to avoid passing onto another person. ❤

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  • Elites

It's situational for me. Like if i learn someone slighted me without malicious intent then it's nothing to trip over. But if someone slights me on purpose I don't either forgive or forget-- i just get the hell away from them. Some people are devious and malignant and there's no point in sinking on their ship. There are a lot of amoral hateful sickos out there, and sometimes there is no personal justice or respect in the forgive/forget tactic.

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  • Elites

Forgive and forget as long as the person can acknowledge what they did was wrong and why without me pushing them into it. There’s also a difference between apologizing and being sorry for what someone has done.. I give a secret three strike rule unless it’s completely unreasonable. If I choose not to have a person in my life, better know I gave them the benefit of the doubt and treated them how I would like to be treated! I love having ppl around but I don’t need anyone around. I can definitely be alone without being lonely.

 

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It really comes down to whether or not you think that person genuinely made a mistake, or it's just part of their personality - and they're going to do it again.

Like, people told me I should forgive my dad, but one of the biggest problems I had with him was him lying to my face... to lie to your son's face, multiple times... that's not a mistake, that's a personality trait that to me, is incurable.

Now stuff I do forgive? I forgive people all the time for getting upset, and saying things they don't mean - that's natural.

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I often don't forgive and will cut someone out of my life.

For those closest to me though, It depends on the person and what it was that they did to wrong me. If it's my k ids. I can easily forgive them. If it's a girlfriend or a friend. It really depends. 

If I do forgive. I don't forget. 

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I spent a lot of my life being really angry at people and not forgiving them. There's a lot of bad stuff that happened to me, people who wronged me and did unforgivable things. I held onto all my anger against them for a long time. The thing is, it takes a lot more energy to hold on to anger and bitterness than it does to just let it go. It took me a long time to realize that. That doesn't mean that I forget what happened or that I continue to let people who have hurt me to have a place in my life. Sometimes you're not going to get the apologies you deserve because people just don't care. If they don't care, then why expend all that emotional energy into holding a grudge? Here you are thinking about what so and so did to you, when they're not even giving you a second thought. Whether or not people realize it, holding onto h**e and anger does consume you and it does affect you. I finally had to come to a place where I said to myself, I forgive them, just so I could let all of that negative energy go. I forgive and I let go. Sometimes it takes awhile, but my mind / inner self is in a much better place when I do.

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@OldGreqq & @Lilliako

I guess I'm different. I feel like it takes more energy for me to be forgive and befriend an enemy.

It's easier for me to forgive certain people whereas it's super hard to forgive people that I work with and specific family members that purposely p*iss me off.

 

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@t*rminated Just because I forgive doesn't mean I forget or that I "befriend my enemy." I just simply don't let them into my life anymore if the transgressions are bad enough for that. I let go of the anger and they have no more hold in my mind or in my life.

It is definitely hardest with family members, or people you cannot seem to separate yourself from for whatever reason. With those people I just keep my distance as much as possible, and I'm polite and cordial so that there is no more added fuel to the fire. Some people love causing drama and trying to get a rise out of me, but if I show indifference towards them then they seem to lose interest and leave me alone (not always but sometimes).

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3 hours ago, OldGreqq said:

@t*rminated Just because I forgive doesn't mean I forget or that I "befriend my enemy." I just simply don't let them into my life anymore if the transgressions are bad enough for that. I let go of the anger and they have no more hold in my mind or in my life.

I was just meaning for me personally. You have every right to dispense forgiveness and deal with those in your life as you see fit. I don't have a problem with that. 

I think for some. It's easier to forgive and move on. For people like me. It's easier to dislike and ostracize that person and move on.

Those that stress me out in my life are still doing petty and stupid sh*it. So there's no point in forgiveness until I know for sure they truly are remorseful and I have a guarantee that I know that I won't regret it.

Those people often cone around when it suits them. Then when they get what they want. It's screw you. I'm not playing that game.

I have a silent & nonexistent relationship with my brother and my ex wife. Both have repeatedly f*ucked me over. If I so much as give either an inch. They'll clean house on me. My brother f*ucks me over every chance he gets.

After my parents are gone. I'm washing my hands of him. He's d*ead to me.

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On 7/3/2021 at 9:40 AM, t*rminated said:

@OldGreqq & @Lilliako

I guess I'm different. I feel like it takes more energy for me to be forgive and befriend an enemy.

It's easier for me to forgive certain people whereas it's super hard to forgive people that I work with and specific family members that purposely p*iss me off.

 

Doesn’t it depend on what they did? I’m sure there are things you are willing to forgive, right? I understand there are certain things that are unforgivable, but not everything.

It’s difficult for me to forgive, but depending on who they are and what they did, sometimes I feel like I have to. For example, if it’s a family member or a family member’s SO. Well, I’m going to have to be around them.. or if it’s a longtime friend, would it be worth it to cut them out of my life over som*thing petty?

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3 hours ago, paperandsky said:

Doesn’t it depend on what they did? I’m sure there are things you are willing to forgive, right? I understand there are certain things that are unforgivable, but not everything.

It’s difficult for me to forgive, but depending on who they are and what they did, sometimes I feel like I have to. For example, if it’s a family member or a family member’s SO. Well, I’m going to have to be around them.. or if it’s a longtime friend, would it be worth it to cut them out of my life over som*thing petty?

It goes like this. Once you establish yourself as my enemy. It's very difficult to get off that black list. It's not just over any petty and little things. My half brother strives to cause conflict between me and my other family members. He caused so many problems that he himself has become the problem himself.

Forgiving him won't a change a thing as he'll just go off and wrong me again first chance he gets. Good thing I'm not a religious man. There's no point in it. I have no religious hang ups about it. For some, forgiving is a religious rule. Not one that I'm bound to because of my secular nature.  So I have no fear of any imaginary and fictional deity punishing me and denying me at the gates of an afterlife I don't believe in  for not forgiving some prick who doesn't deserve it. I'm free to do what want with whom I will. 

So, what does forgiving do for me with most people? Not a whole lot. I've found that cutting sh*itty people out of my life brings me peace. Once I cut them out, the bullsh*it stops. Cutting my piece of sh*it brother and the other sc*um out of my life will help me sleep a lot better. 

I discovered that a long time ago when I threw out my former best friend who slept with my than girlfriend. He came back 5 years begging me to take him back as a friend. I enjoyed denying him that privilege. That sc*um bag stabbed me in the back one too many times. 

Edited by Terminated
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53 minutes ago, t*rminated said:

It goes like this. Once you establish yourself as my enemy. It's very difficult to get off that black list. It's not just over any petty and little things. My half brother strives to cause conflict between me and my other family members. He caused so many problems that he himself has become the problem himself.

Forgiving him won't a change a thing as he'll just go off and wrong me again first chance he gets. Good thing I'm not a religious man. There's no point in it. I have no religious hang ups about it. For some, forgiving is a religious rule. Not one that I'm bound to because of my secular nature.  So I have no fear of any imaginary and fictional deity punishing me and denying me at the gates of an afterlife I don't believe in  for not forgiving some prick who doesn't deserve it. I'm free to do what want with whom I will. 

So, what does forgiving do for me with most people? Not a whole lot. I've found that cutting sh*itty people out of my life brings me peace. Once I cut them out, the bullsh*it stops. Cutting my piece of sh*it brother and the other sc*um out of my life will help me sleep a lot better.  

I can’t cut family members out of my life without not seeing my other family members. Like my uncle doesn’t get along with my dad’s girlfriend, it was so bad that she stopped coming to family gatherings because he or she didn’t want to be around each other. Eventually she started coming again and they just ignore each other and it’s really awkward. I don’t want to be in a situation like that, I think it s*cks. I don’t want to be around anyone I hold resentment towards, but I also want to see my family on holidays, etc.

Edited by paperandsky
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On 6/3/2021 at 2:28 AM, cool.dus.niet said:


1. When was the last time you had to forgive and forget som*thing? What happened and how did you choose to do it?
2. Do you regret doing x /not doing x?
 

1. My ex cheated on me and used money from our shared account to get an ********. 

One thing that I'm glad I learned early is that you don't control another adult on this planet. Relationships are vows are only as thorough as the people in them. She chose to not only violate our relationship but also my finances. Of course I was pissed. Yet I took a stop back and I was thankful that she exposed herself now instead of 20 years down the line. As I said before, you can't control another adult. She made her choices and, as stupid as they were, I came to accept that fact. So I "forgave" in that sense, and "forgot" when I separated our finances and move on.

2. I don't regret anything. Cheaters are one of the worst groups of people in the world -- I don't care about reasoning and validation. If you aren't man/woman enough to address your thoughts and feelings, then you aren't mature enough to be in a relationship. Was I the perfect boyfriend? Nope, but there are things that can be talked about and worked out. You can't work out infidelity. 

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2 hours ago, paperandsky said:

I can’t cut family members out of my life without not seeing my other family members. Like my uncle doesn’t get along with my dad’s girlfriend, it was so bad that she stopped coming to family gatherings because he or she didn’t want to be around each other. Eventually she started coming again and they just ignore each other and it’s really awkward. I don’t want to be in a situation like that, I think it s*cks. I don’t want to be around anyone I hold resentment towards, but I also want to see my family on holidays, etc.

That's understandable and I'm glad you're more caring than I am. I would have liked to have a good relationship with my former friends and my brother. But there is no respect. They are entitled and tox*ic people. I can't work with that. I refuse.

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