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My friend Anna. I met her in middle school, I had just transferred and our homeroom teacher asked her to show me around the school and to my classes. I was super shy back then, and she was super outgoing. After the first day I didn’t think we’d talk again, cuz that’s usually how it went for me, but when I was walking to line up for my music class which was next to hers, I saw her in line waving at me with the biggest smile on her face. She waited for me after class and asked me to eat lunch with her. It was history after that, we were inseparable. Once we finished high school, she moved to New Orleans with her girlfriend to volunteer with the relief efforts after Katrina. Sadly, she took her own life there. This was about 12 years ago now. 
 

I miss her so much, and try to live life in her honor. 

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39 minutes ago, ZombiesAteCharley said:

 

I'm left with alot of guilt and alot of regrets. It feels like even our happy memories are tainted now. But I know it will get easier over time. 

I’m so sorry, that sounds like a very heavy grief to carry. It does get easier, and so does the guilt, with time. 💙

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Thank you for this topic. I have some stuff I haven't really let out and this would be the****utic so I'm going to attempt it. Apologies if I mention more than one person.

First, my beloved grandmother.

Kathryn Grace 1932-2007
full.png.87589c60cd995ad51619093503045809.png

My Grandma Kathy was special to me in ways I don't think I can describe. Growing up, I didn't know my grandfathers nor had I remembered meeting them, and my other grandma was well, a lot of a hard a** and not very loving. I remember all the stories my mom told me about grandma Kathy, she was never perfect, no. She certainly struggled when they were young as a single mother to 12 ch*ldren. She lost one of her daughters to a drunk driver when she(daughter) was in her early 20's, and another not counted during birth, which later was a big bonding moment for her and my mother after my sister passed away.
Every summer I would go visit her for two weeks to get away from home. We would spend our days making food for k***s at daycares. My aunts daycare, or the church. At my aunts I would 'help' with the k***s and play, too. We'd watch animal planet all night cause she knew I loved it, or she'd show me how to play card games on her PC while I sat and watched. I loved her obsession with little knick-knacks and Christmas, and the amazing breakfast potatoes she'd make for me in her cast iron skillet almost every morning. There was a girl who I met when I tagged along to go to her mothers house, and we became best friends. She'd stay over at my grandmas condo and my grandma would adamantly sleep on the couch so we could take the big bed every time. At first, she lived in a home my parents built in a large residential community. Eventually, my parents bought her a condo and renovated it for her to live there. It was on the water and we'd go to the park and feed the seagulls her old bread every day, and sometimes, we'd have mcdonalds happy meals while we did it. It was a lot of fun.
In 2006 she went to the doctor and the doctor found nothing wrong and sent her on her way. In early 2007 after having difficulties she went again, and the doctor realized he had made a mistake. She had terminal pancreatic c*ncer, and it was too late to do anything. He apologized profusely, and she told him it's okay, she forgives him. She's old, he's human, and its fine! In her shock and awe of being faced with the reality of impending death, the first thing on her mind was to comfort this man. She inspires me to this day for that one, as well.
She moved in with us on the island during her final months. ~May of 2007 she moved in, taking my old bedroom/sisters current room(she was in college), and I lived upstairs. This is the the****utic part of it all, so I may share a lot here, for that please feel free to move on to the next. 
I didn't spend much time with her. I was 16 at the time. I was in charge of running a large group for something I was really passionate about, I was studying Japanese, and I was also at the time in my height of interest when it came to programming. I was in a massive amount of shock over her impending death, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I had already started my grieving process and was trying to get away. I threw my head deep into my work and let all that time pass by. I talked to her a few times, but as she got worse, it was hard to see her. I would walk by the room to see my mother or father lifting her from her bed onto her toilet, and I would rush past and instead of cry, bury my head some more. I feel so guilty for it, and I still wish to this day I could have those final moments with her back again so I could show her all the love she showed me, but that's selfish.
*trigger warning*One night while listening to music and working I thought I heard a noise, I took my headphones off and listened for a moment but heard nothing else so I put them back on. The next day I found out that my grandmother had fallen while trying to go to the bathroom and was crying out for help. My father had come to get her eventually. My mom still references it to this day as a big day for her and my father, a day she fell deeper in love with him, and the guilt I have over not being there for her that night. How long she must have waited for help on the cold tile floor. I could have helped. But I was in too much of a rush to listen for one more f***ing minute! I. Still haven't forgiven myself. I feel so much guilt over that. She did not deserve that.
I found out that she passed while at my one friends house. I previously didn't like to go over to her house so often, but I was seemingly almost always there those days to get away. My parents called and told me to come home at 4:36PM on September 26th 2007. I came home and said goodbye to her lifeless body. My mother told me about what she had been saying before she passed. How she kept saying "its beautiful!" and that it was a happy moment. She was seeing something beautiful. I am so happy for that. I stayed there for awhile until we moved her to the main bed in the room. We waited until the evening for the hearse from off island to arrive, they had to take the ferry. My dad insisted he carry her to the car in her bag. Another moment my mother mentions a lot as a big one for them.
I love you grandma. I love you so much. I am so sorry. I'll keep telling you out loud when I'm alone for years to come just how much I love you. I miss you. I am so happy you are no longer in pain.


I need to go cry a bit now, I'm gonna edit this with the rest more a little later.... 

 

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TW: Suicide

 

My best friend Lexi (who you've probably seen me talk about recently.) 

Our moms were best friends, that's how we met. In fact, the first time I ever met Lexi, it was because my mom was dropping her mom off at their house. Lexi was outside waiting to see her mom, and when I saw Lexi, it was super weird. We both had super short pixie style cuts with dark brown hair, both had the same body build, and were the same height staggering at 5' 8". We were only 12 at the time. Lexi was homeschooled at the time I met her though, so it wasn't like I saw her at school or anything. We never truly hung out much until she did transfer into the public school I was going to at the time (when we were both 14). And from there, our connection grew. 

We collaborated on projects together whenever possible. She always gave her all as did I, and it resulted in some pretty interesting project results. At the age of 15, I was a s***thead. I was going through a lot at home and then my boyfriend at the time had broken up with me. I wanted nothing more than to d*e and was in the process of attempting, when Lexi knew something was up and reported me to proper officials. I was so mad at her at the time, but looking back she kind of saved my life. If it wasn't for her - I probably would have progressed with what I was doing. She was the first to know about any sort of guy I was dating, and even though she did not like the people I was dating (I was making poor choices), she still supported me. Such case example is when I was dating a guy. Let's name him "John Doe". John Doe was a manipulative a***ole. And as I was arguing with John Doe late one night, he thr***ened to ... off himself. At the time I lived with my heavily ab**ive grandparents who did not let me have a job, or even a phone. The most I had was a $50 Amazon Fire Kindle Tablet. So I messaged Lexi at 2 in the morning on Facebook Messenger, begging her to call the cops and send them to John Doe's house. And she did. Not because she liked John, no she absolutely hated John because she saw how much of an ab**ive a**hole he was to me. But she did it because she knew how much he meant to me, and even kept me updated with what the police were saying / when they arrived, etc. We hung out often at a "Christian Hangout place" (even though her nor I are truly religious - we were kinda forced to go, which is a long story for another day) after school every Wednesday. That was the only way I was allowed to see Lexi outside of school.

I moved away from Lexi and my small town when I was 16 to live with my dad across the state. Naturally our relationship kind of deteriorated, as did my relationship with everyone else from my hometown due to distance. Lexi and I were "on again off again" friends due to lapse in communication. Also due to the fact that Lexi got pretty messed up on d***s after she graduated high school in 2019. We finally got back to talking to each other again in March-ish of this year even though I still lived across the state. She was finally in recovery from her addiction. In April, we got into a fight and she ended up getting so pissed off at me that she blocked me. And that's the last time I ever talked to Lexi. She passed away a little over a month ago on November 14th at 1 pm due to "unknown circumstances" (the tox*cology report came back clean). But a couple nights before her passing she had posted on snapchat how she wanted nothing more than to o******e on pills... so.. I believe suicide took my best friend away. And after her saving my life when I was 15, knowing that suicide has probably claimed the life of my best friend... s*cks. She was only 20 years old.

 

I went back to my hometown for her f**eral to say my goodbyes, and it was super hard. The f**eral home didn't do a great job, and her face was all swollen and puffy. It didn't look like Lexii, at least not the Lexii that I knew. Some days are better than others, and I'm sorry if this post is sporadic with detail and hard to read. I'm still trying to move past the stages of shock and start working on the grief period. It's just really hard when she was such a fundamental and important part of my life and my development as a teenager. I just hope wherever she is now, that she's at peace.

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On 12/15/2021 at 3:19 PM, Admin said:

My friend Jad, he was a really cool guy. He had pale skin, brown hair, was a skinny guy, about 5 foot 9 inches tall.

He used to drive me around in his stick shift car, he loved the Simpsons and anime.

He was a really cool guy, was always nice to me, hung out with me when I felt sad or bored.

Just really fun and loved to play games like Metal Gear Solid.

He liked playing Metal Gear Solid so much he collected all the dog tags, specifically in 1 and 2.

He made fun of my music, and said "Just because you turn it up louder doesn't mean it will s*ck less" and I thought that was funny... he showed me what "real" music was like by playing music from Chrono Trigger on the keyboard.

Jad was the first person to ever do a "comedy sketch" with me, we did audio comedy sketches together, they were pretty great in my opinion.

Jad became a missionary who tried to spread God's message in Japan as well as Brazil. In Brazil he talked about how he wanted to start a video game store there so the k***s there could enjoy video games as much as he did.

Jad later died of a blood di*ord*r. He wrote me letters while I was in the military.

He was my best friend in High School.

Anyway... who have you lost? Post about them here if you like. It's important to remember those we lost.

Loss is never easy and even with the passing of time it still hurts. It sounds like he was a very good friend. 

1 hour ago, seeairuhhmist said:

TW: Suicide

 

My best friend Lexi (who you've probably seen me talk about recently.) 

Our moms were best friends, that's how we met. In fact, the first time I ever met Lexi, it was because my mom was dropping her mom off at their house. Lexi was outside waiting to see her mom, and when I saw Lexi, it was super weird. We both had super short pixie style cuts with dark brown hair, both had the same body build, and were the same height staggering at 5' 8". We were only 12 at the time. Lexi was homeschooled at the time I met her though, so it wasn't like I saw her at school or anything. We never truly hung out much until she did transfer into the public school I was going to at the time (when we were both 14). And from there, our connection grew. 

We collaborated on projects together whenever possible. She always gave her all as did I, and it resulted in some pretty interesting project results. At the age of 15, I was a s***thead. I was going through a lot at home and then my boyfriend at the time had broken up with me. I wanted nothing more than to d*e and was in the process of attempting, when Lexi knew something was up and reported me to proper officials. I was so mad at her at the time, but looking back she kind of saved my life. If it wasn't for her - I probably would have progressed with what I was doing. She was the first to know about any sort of guy I was dating, and even though she did not like the people I was dating (I was making poor choices), she still supported me. Such case example is when I was dating a guy. Let's name him "John Doe". John Doe was a manipulative a***ole. And as I was arguing with John Doe late one night, he thr***ened to ... off himself. At the time I lived with my heavily ab**ive grandparents who did not let me have a job, or even a phone. The most I had was a $50 Amazon Fire Kindle Tablet. So I messaged Lexi at 2 in the morning on Facebook Messenger, begging her to call the cops and send them to John Doe's house. And she did. Not because she liked John, no she absolutely hated John because she saw how much of an ab**ive a**hole he was to me. But she did it because she knew how much he meant to me, and even kept me updated with what the police were saying / when they arrived, etc. We hung out often at a "Christian Hangout place" (even though her nor I are truly religious - we were kinda forced to go, which is a long story for another day) after school every Wednesday. That was the only way I was allowed to see Lexi outside of school.

I moved away from Lexi and my small town when I was 16 to live with my dad across the state. Naturally our relationship kind of deteriorated, as did my relationship with everyone else from my hometown due to distance. Lexi and I were "on again off again" friends due to lapse in communication. Also due to the fact that Lexi got pretty messed up on d***s after she graduated high school in 2019. We finally got back to talking to each other again in March-ish of this year even though I still lived across the state. She was finally in recovery from her addiction. In April, we got into a fight and she ended up getting so pissed off at me that she blocked me. And that's the last time I ever talked to Lexi. She passed away a little over a month ago on November 14th at 1 pm due to "unknown circumstances" (the tox*cology report came back clean). But a couple nights before her passing she had posted on snapchat how she wanted nothing more than to o******e on pills... so.. I believe suicide took my best friend away. And after her saving my life when I was 15, knowing that suicide has probably claimed the life of my best friend... s*cks. She was only 20 years old.

 

I went back to my hometown for her f**eral to say my goodbyes, and it was super hard. The f**eral home didn't do a great job, and her face was all swollen and puffy. It didn't look like Lexii, at least not the Lexii that I knew. Some days are better than others, and I'm sorry if this post is sporadic with detail and hard to read. I'm still trying to move past the stages of shock and start working on the grief period. It's just really hard when she was such a fundamental and important part of my life and my development as a teenager. I just hope wherever she is now, that she's at peace.

blehw.jpg

lah.jpg

bleh.jpg

peace.jpg

Dang I really hate hearing that. Life can really s*ck sometimes and I have felt like ending it all myself a few times but I could never do that to my k***s plus I have hope things will get better. I wish she could have held onto some hope and reached out for help. 20 is so young. I am so sorry for your loss. 

17 hours ago, Bruja626 said:

My friend Darryl. I met him off AOL when I was 24 and he was 21. Boy were we a pair. He was a self-proclaimed redneck mechanic. I am Puerto Rican and when Darryl and I decided to meet in person for the first time my brother was so scared and worried because when he dropped me off at our meeting spot his license plate said “REDNECK” haha always a dork. My brother was so paranoid he gave me a quarter in case I needed to call him. (This was before cell phones. I know I’m Jurassic lol)

Darry and I spent our first night together walking the city until like 4 in the morning. When I called my brother to come pick me up, he said I had him going crazy thinking something happened to me lol poor guy. Any way the best thing I will always remember about him is that he never had any shame. We went bowling with my brother and his girlfriend and while we were getting our shoes Darryl goes up to my brother who towers over his 5’8” at 6’1” and says, “Excuse me sir, but your balls are showing.” And my brother goes to check his fly and we all start laughing.

As the evening progressed Darryl went up to bowl his set and split his pants. We just died laughing because of that whole thing he did with my brother and so he turns around and says, “Well, guess I’m glad I decided not to free-ball it (go commando)” we died from laughter, and he continued to play split pants and all. LOL he truly did not give a crap what people thought of him, and he continued to play unbothered and unembarrassed. From that day on he had my respect, and we were inseparable, my Friday and Saturday nights belonged to my friend Darryl. We were like that for over 15 years and then I got married and he became a dad we still kept in touch but two years ago his sister-in-Law called me to tell me he passed away. I don’t even think I mourned my own father’s death the way I mourned Darryl’s. I can sincerely say that everyone who knew him loved him and many lives were changed that day. He died in a motorcycle accident. I am sad that he’s gone but I am so glad I got a chance to know him. 15 years will never be enough time for the kind of friendship we had.  RIP my BFF.

Your friend sounds like a truly amazing person. I would love to be able to be unbothered by what other people think of me. I always worry what people think about me. I admire people like Darryl. 

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3 hours ago, razzledgirl said:

Thank you for this topic. I have some stuff I haven't really let out and this would be the****utic so I'm going to attempt it. Apologies if I mention more than one person.

First, my beloved grandmother.

Kathryn Grace 1932-2007
full.png.87589c60cd995ad51619093503045809.png

My Grandma Kathy was special to me in ways I don't think I can describe. Growing up, I didn't know my grandfathers nor had I remembered meeting them, and my other grandma was well, a lot of a hard a** and not very loving. I remember all the stories my mom told me about grandma Kathy, she was never perfect, no. She certainly struggled when they were young as a single mother to 12 ch*ldren. She lost one of her daughters to a drunk driver when she(daughter) was in her early 20's, and another not counted during birth, which later was a big bonding moment for her and my mother after my sister passed away.
Every summer I would go visit her for two weeks to get away from home. We would spend our days making food for k***s at daycares. My aunts daycare, or the church. At my aunts I would 'help' with the k***s and play, too. We'd watch animal planet all night cause she knew I loved it, or she'd show me how to play card games on her PC while I sat and watched. I loved her obsession with little knick-knacks and Christmas, and the amazing breakfast potatoes she'd make for me in her cast iron skillet almost every morning. There was a girl who I met when I tagged along to go to her mothers house, and we became best friends. She'd stay over at my grandmas condo and my grandma would adamantly sleep on the couch so we could take the big bed every time. At first, she lived in a home my parents built in a large residential community. Eventually, my parents bought her a condo and renovated it for her to live there. It was on the water and we'd go to the park and feed the seagulls her old bread every day, and sometimes, we'd have mcdonalds happy meals while we did it. It was a lot of fun.
In 2006 she went to the doctor and the doctor found nothing wrong and sent her on her way. In early 2007 after having difficulties she went again, and the doctor realized he had made a mistake. She had terminal pancreatic c*ncer, and it was too late to do anything. He apologized profusely, and she told him it's okay, she forgives him. She's old, he's human, and its fine! In her shock and awe of being faced with the reality of impending death, the first thing on her mind was to comfort this man. She inspires me to this day for that one, as well.
She moved in with us on the island during her final months. ~May of 2007 she moved in, taking my old bedroom/sisters current room(she was in college), and I lived upstairs. This is the the****utic part of it all, so I may share a lot here, for that please feel free to move on to the next. 
I didn't spend much time with her. I was 16 at the time. I was in charge of running a large group for something I was really passionate about, I was studying Japanese, and I was also at the time in my height of interest when it came to programming. I was in a massive amount of shock over her impending death, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I had already started my grieving process and was trying to get away. I threw my head deep into my work and let all that time pass by. I talked to her a few times, but as she got worse, it was hard to see her. I would walk by the room to see my mother or father lifting her from her bed onto her toilet, and I would rush past and instead of cry, bury my head some more. I feel so guilty for it, and I still wish to this day I could have those final moments with her back again so I could show her all the love she showed me, but that's selfish.
*trigger warning*One night while listening to music and working I thought I heard a noise, I took my headphones off and listened for a moment but heard nothing else so I put them back on. The next day I found out that my grandmother had fallen while trying to go to the bathroom and was crying out for help. My father had come to get her eventually. My mom still references it to this day as a big day for her and my father, a day she fell deeper in love with him, and the guilt I have over not being there for her that night. How long she must have waited for help on the cold tile floor. I could have helped. But I was in too much of a rush to listen for one more f***ing minute! I. Still haven't forgiven myself. I feel so much guilt over that. She did not deserve that.
I found out that she passed while at my one friends house. I previously didn't like to go over to her house so often, but I was seemingly almost always there those days to get away. My parents called and told me to come home at 4:36PM on September 26th 2007. I came home and said goodbye to her lifeless body. My mother told me about what she had been saying before she passed. How she kept saying "its beautiful!" and that it was a happy moment. She was seeing something beautiful. I am so happy for that. I stayed there for awhile until we moved her to the main bed in the room. We waited until the evening for the hearse from off island to arrive, they had to take the ferry. My dad insisted he carry her to the car in her bag. Another moment my mother mentions a lot as a big one for them.
I love you grandma. I love you so much. I am so sorry. I'll keep telling you out loud when I'm alone for years to come just how much I love you. I miss you. I am so happy you are no longer in pain.


I need to go cry a bit now, I'm gonna edit this with the rest more a little later.... 

 

I think it’s human nature to have a difficult time watching our loved ones wither away. We don’t want to see them like that because we want to remember as they used to be. You are not selfish and I don’t think it’s your fault for not going to figure out what the noise was that night. I did something similar with one of my dogs though and still feel horrible about it over twenty years later. She wasn’t doing well and we knew she didn’t have long. One night on my way to bed she had diarrhea and I accidentally stepped in it. I was gr*ssed out and fussed at her for it. The next morning my mom told me she passed away. I hate that was our last interaction. 
I’m glad you have so many good memories of your grandmother. That is a blessing. I know it hurts but please know you didn’t do anything wrong 

My grandfather. He passed away from c*ncer December 10, 2004. He was the only positive male role model I’ve ever had in my 40 years of living. He was intelligent, strong willed, independent with a sense of humor. 
When the grandch*ldren were little, he would swing us in the hammock and sing silly songs. He’d take us fishing and hated the squirrels in his pear tree lol. At Christmas he’d go down to the local store and grab something to wrap for each of us, which he’d comically wrap in a grocery sack.
 I was blessed enough that he lived long enough to be able to meet both of my sons. I was always closest to my grandparents out of all the grandch*ldren and I miss him so much. He wasn’t someone who said the words “I love you “ but he showed it in other ways. The only two people I ever heard him verbally say “I love you” to were my sons, that was always so very special to me. 

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4 hours ago, Saraglittermepink said:

Your friend sounds like a truly amazing person. I would love to be able to be unbothered by what other people think of me. I always worry what people think about me. I admire people like Darryl. 

He was incredible. One of the closest friendships I had ever had. No other friend ever truly knew me like he did. I also wish I had his mindset. One of the things he used to say to me is "Life is never supposed to be the way we planned. s***t always comes out of left field all you got to to is OWFI (Oh Well F*ck IT) and roll with the punches. Make it work in your favor anyway."  

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