So I get sad for seemingly no reason a lot... like, my first real plummet into depression happened Nov 14, 2007... it was... crazy how far it got... but ever since, I've just been... going back to this dark place... where I feel so sad and I don't know exactly why in the sense that it's not like there is one thing on my mind pulling me down.
I guess it could kind of be like... I got really wounded, and haven't healed... and the sadness... while I don't think about how it happened in the first place, I still feel the left overs of what happened before...
Thing is, this pain... I tried a medicine recently that got rid of that feeling pretty fast... it lasted for a few hours and... well... I kinda missed the feeling... that sinking sensation in your chest, that feeling that you're going to break down crying... that feeling that you're falling apart.
I've had that feeling for so long that I feel like... without it... I'm not even really alive... as if in my current mental state of meaninglessness... when I lose that sorrow... not only do I still feel things are meaningless, but I don't even feel sad about it anymore... so it's just meaningless absent of sadness... and what is that? That is even worse... because at least when you're sad, you know you have something of value, and that is feeling... raw, deep, sinking... heavy weighted depression holding you down, keeping you grounded.
It's so complicated that even reading my own thoughts... I would struggle to understand if I wasn't living it.
Anyway... do you ever get sad for no reason? Have you ever felt like sadness wasn't the enemy after all?
There are so many different things that contribute to how we feel after a breakup, friendship, or any significant relationship in your life ends.
Of course, I'm sure we have all heard of the 'Stages of Grief' but if you haven't, it goes like this:
Denial: You essentially can’t believe it’s over, don't understand the reason given, or the simple fact that your ex doesn’t want or love you.
Anger: Anger and resentment toward your ex. *NO ACTUAL RETALIATION
Bargaining: Trying to get them back, even if it's just in your head.
Guilt: This just means you feel like utter garbage about your behavior - but this can be tied to not feeling good enough.
I had been in a long-term relationship right before my last short-lived relationship, and we lived together and we were heading towards marriage. Long story short, we were together 4 years, and we broke up.
I got my own apartment, and I had never had to do that before. After 10 months of not seeing anybody, speaking with anybody in that manner, and effectively started to feel good about myself, started loving myself, and felt ready for something new.
Since I had been alone for quite some time, I thought it was the right time to finally give somebody a shot and see where things go.
Yesterday, or the day before there was a post on this forum about what we all think about the military. I took it upon myself to write about how the USMC may have affected my newly-ex-boyfriend (he had dumped me that morning), I wanted to take the time to write this post to the forum to formally apologize for the comment I made regarding my now ex-boyfriend. I have the most incredible regret and remorse and I feel that I have wronged all of you, because I quite possibly could have put a bad taste in your mouth involving me. I haven't been on the internet in a few years, at least not many times at all, because my last relationship before this, I didn't go on at all. I viewed my post as more of a "venting" moment, than an opinion moment. And I ended up bashing somebody in the process, which is not me, and never will be me.
There is no excuse, I take full responsibility for my actions and I am sincerely sorry.
I wish I could take it back, I wish I had been more thoughtful.
I am being straight-forward with everything. I still have massive feelings for my ex, he exhibits unstable behavior, and broke/shattered my heart into pieces, but I'd never want to do any harm to him. When I wrote that post, I also was in the middle of begging for him back because I couldn't believe he would leave me the day prior to leaving for deployment, after all the money I put into care packages, money for flights, the list goes on......
I want to make it as clear as possible that I am sorry for the post I made, and it wasn't about retaliation on a public platform, it's just the CHANGE of personality I have noticed since he has entered the military vs. when we went to high school together.
He is a very good person, with an amazing heart, with issues, as we all suffer from different things day-to-day.
I recognize the fault in the post I made, and how you could construe it that way. Just like I wouldn't write such a thing on Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Tumblr, or Twitter. Once again, I apologize.
But it is not right for me to ever BASH anybody, whether any of you know him personally or not, because I am still struggling with my feelings within, and when I posted that, I was in the middle of begging for him back, or even a response before he left for 7 months.
There is exponentially more to this story, but it wouldn't be right to air it all out. I just needed this off my chest. I am not better than my ex, in fact, I begged and pleaded for him until the moment he left.
I'm so sorry guys.
You will never see content like that out of me again. Cross my heart...
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