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Would you stay with a person who refuses to help themselves?


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*THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE REDDIT POSTS / THREADS OF ALL TIME.

 

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I, personally, could not even grasp the amount of patience this man has.

What is your opinion? Would you stay with a person like this? If so, how would you get them to help themselves in a healthy way? How would you promote it to try and motivate them? I would feel completely helpless.

ALWAYS WAS CURIOUS WHAT TO OTHERS THOUGHT

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Sounds like she needs to be on My 600 Pound Life. Maybe she would get help then. Anyway, I don't think I could deal with someone like that. There's too much stress put into that and you can't force people to get help if they don't want to get help. I know I wouldn't be able to do anything because I can't be firm with people. She obviously has an eating di*ord*r and possibly a mental di*ord*r. That's why she sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle. Maybe she needs multiple people telling her she needs to lost weight.

 

 

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I guess it depends on what the situation is. My partner has developed a drinking problem over the last 7 years of our relationship. Drinking used to be something we did socially, sometimes in excess, other times not, and now it's a standard part of our weekly routine. We've had what feels like hundreds of conversations about it, as I am able to say no to drinking, but if we haven't had a booze session in a few days, he can get really depressed and it is sometimes really unbearable to be around him when he's in that state. What's worse is that drinking with him isn't all fun and games, because he can become extremely nasty when he is drunk, and because I am always more sober than him, it can be very bad. 

We've talked about stopping drinking during the week, cutting down in general, even going cold turkey. Sometimes he tries, other times he doesn't. He knows he has a problem. Recently (TMI time) he came clean that he had been se*ting another girl while he was really drunk. That was the last straw, and I've told him to get help or I can't do it anymore. I have to believe he is going to try. He has a habit of shifting the responsibility and always wants me to help him be better, which I can only do to a certain extent. But people need to be able to help themselves too. If they don't want to, it can be pretty impossible to help them, especially if it's an addiction like alcoholism, binge-eating too with this post, or any other struggles.

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24 minutes ago, ParadiseLost said:

I guess it depends on what the situation is. My partner has developed a drinking problem over the last 7 years of our relationship. Drinking used to be something we did socially, sometimes in excess, other times not, and now it's a standard part of our weekly routine. We've had what feels like hundreds of conversations about it, as I am able to say no to drinking, but if we haven't had a booze session in a few days, he can get really depressed and it is sometimes really unbearable to be around him when he's in that state. What's worse is that drinking with him isn't all fun and games, because he can become extremely nasty when he is drunk, and because I am always more sober than him, it can be very bad. 

I understand you, and I feel the power behind your words.

I am an advocate for AcOA (Adult C'hildren of Alcoholics) and I also go to AA Meetings to speak my mother's story - for she died of Alcoholic-Cirrhosis of the liver.

No one knows truly what the word 'alcoholic' means until you have been berated, insulted, a'bused, have had your head smashed against the wall, called multiple insults, pulled by the hair, started arguments over a mistake from 5 years ago, picking them up off the floor after they have blacked out and not made it to bed, seeing that they have urinated on themselves and you must help, pouring bottles and bottles down the sink just for them to never notice......

If you need any advice, or if you are seeing these behaviors escalate, please reach out. I am very experienced with working with alcoholics and I know the right language to speak - all alcoholics are different (I am not saying that your partner is an alcoholic) but displaying behaviors of one, I can always help. Always here.

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6 minutes ago, bones said:

I understand you, and I feel the power behind your words.

I am an advocate for AcOA (Adult C'hildren of Alcoholics) and I also go to AA Meetings to speak my mother's story - for she died of Alcoholic-Cirrhosis of the liver.

No one knows truly what the word 'alcoholic' means until you have been berated, insulted, a'bused, have had your head smashed against the wall, called multiple insults, pulled by the hair, started arguments over a mistake from 5 years ago, picking them up off the floor after they have blacked out and not made it to bed, seeing that they have urinated on themselves and you must help, pouring bottles and bottles down the sink just for them to never notice......

If you need any advice, or if you are seeing these behaviors escalate, please reach out. I am very experienced with working with alcoholics and I know the right language to speak - all alcoholics are different (I am not saying that your partner is an alcoholic) but displaying behaviors of one, I can always help. Always here.

Wow, thank you for this, I really really appreciate it! My mother was/is also an alcoholic so it's been a reality all my life living around the s***t impact of drinking.

As I said, if they don't want to help themselves it can be really difficult. I've learned over the last few years to prioritise myself, which I can't always do, but I certainly try.

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If your partner lets themselves go that shows they have pretty much no respect for you, and you should leave them.

Would you get with someone, then immediately take what they fell in love with and throw it all away, then expect them to stay with you? No? Then why would you let someone do that to you?

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4 minutes ago, ParadiseLost said:

Wow, thank you for this, I really really appreciate it! My mother was/is also an alcoholic so it's been a reality all my life living around the s***t impact of drinking.

As I said, if they don't want to help themselves it can be really difficult. I've learned over the last few years to prioritise myself, which I can't always do, but I certainly try.

You are always welcome.

Send me a private message if you ever need.

4 minutes ago, Onision said:

If your partner lets themselves go that shows they have pretty much no respect for you, and you should leave them.

Would you get with someone, then immediately take what they fell in love with and throw it all away, then expect them to stay with you? No? Then why would you let someone do that to you?

This.

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Ummm Honestly I would try to help them but if they truly can't be bothered or dont want to help themselves, that would be really hard to watch especially if you loved them. 

But if they were very happy as they were an didn't want to change anything. I would stay an love them for as long as I could. Simply because in the end it there life there choice an who am I to tell them how to live it. Even if my opinions are different to them. Also I love them for them not what they look like.I Love You Reaction GIF by Demic

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4 hours ago, Version said:

Simply because in the end it there life there choice an who am I to tell them how to live it.

Typically in good relationships you normally don’t have to tell people how to live due to how compatible.

Imagine both people are the type to let themselves go and they’re both like “awe! You too!?”

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I stuck out a 5 year relationship, and it was one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned. It didn't have to do with weight or something like that. The truth is any issue they're facing that they refuse to get help for, shouldn't continue. I did love this person, tried desperately to push them in the right direction but I had to walk out that door and not return.

I needed to be alone, I needed to relearn how to love myself,  ignore their calls, and everything that came along with it. They needed to finally get the help they needed & wanted and they needed to do that for themselves. They finally did, and I was the first person they came running to after a few years, just saying how they would prove it all to me, and the promise that it wouldn't be like that again. 

My answer was no. Our relationship could never be. The very fact that if I ever would return could send them back into memories and create a new spiral, makes me feel even more opposed. All my opinion, but if people can't love themselves, even if you love them, it's sad, but it's time to move forward. 

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The eating sounds like depression or an emotional issue. Her scenario sounds like a lot of common major depression stories. 

 

The ****** and mean Asian comments should be the actual dealbreaker here. Wtf on that. My advise for OP would be therapy. Either couples or single therapy for her. If she can’t go to at least those then it’s time to end the relationship. 

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On 9/2/2021 at 8:40 AM, Onision said:

If your partner lets themselves go that shows they have pretty much no respect for you, and you should leave them.

Would you get with someone, then immediately take what they fell in love with and throw it all away, then expect them to stay with you? No? Then why would you let someone do that to you?

Additionally someone who cannot care of love themselves cannot do so for their partner or anyone else.

The only difference I might respond differently towards is if my partner endured a trauma and struggled with it picking up bad habits along the way. I would have some patience for that but, again, if they are not interested in helping themselves you cannot do it for them.

Frankly I'm thankful to be with someone who understands I've endured a lot but can see significant changes I've made and how much I've grown. Hearing the "I'm so proud of you" is so meaningful and honest. We started off as him being more of the "breadwinner" to me being able to relocate us because of the job offer I recently got. He would also be able to get a better job himself being in an area with more potential. 

A relationship is build around growth, not watching two potted plants wilt.

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